Momentum

When I was 12 I went on a train journey to Moscow. It took two and a half days, and during that time your life became adjusted to life slowly passing you by on both sides at a sedate 60kph. Most places you could look on the train would involve at least a slight sliver of change - a glimpse of a granny passing by on a bench, a parked car at a railway crossing. As the journey progresses, you become more and more used to this.

Once in Moscow, you realise the still vision of reality no longer matches your perception. As you sit in a chair you feel the walls are slightly moving - surprised you look up and realise they're not.

The MBA now feels exactly like having stepped of a train after two and a half days. All of a sudden you are exposed to a remarkable commodity - endless free time. Yet the 10 months of hard concentration have trained you to fill your time productively every chance you get - otherwise you'll fall behind. As soon as you sit down and ponder the amazing reality of a free afternoon you feel a jump inside and quickly check whether there really isn't something productive you need to be doing. Apart from some logistics, parties is the only thing left. The closer they get to graduation, the more nostalgia ridden they become.

Given that I'm still unemployed, I'm looking forward to the next part with a certain amount of trepidation. But, no matter what, I'll be glad to exit the INSEAD train and adjust to a life without moving walls. It's been a roller coaster, but now, reality awaits.

CQW: Are you going to the graduation trip?

Next steps

We weave and tangle the web of our lives, but sooner or later you need to think about the next step. As you can tell, this was proving difficult for me, but just when you're down life hands you down a helping hand, which is always appreciated even more because of the circumstances.

As I was busy bemoaning the difficulties of my current predicament, an old friend wrote an e-mail explaining he would be moving out of London to do a year long secondment, and if anyone was interested they could have his flat for a pittance. A match made in heaven I thought and no sooner did I reply than I was walking around the flat and being handed the keys for it.

Amazing what a calming effect such a simple step of being able to picture where you will be sleeping for the unforeseeable future starting 3 weeks away had on me. But it did. So hats off to luck, and especially when you're feeling down.

Which of course brings me to next steps. As I wound (nay, flew) my way down to France from London yesterday on the Eurostar I felt that I am ready to leave the INSEAD bubble. Fitter, stronger and theoretically more knowledgeable, though definitely poorer too. So on we go with the last few weeks. But in a lot of ways the experience is over. Classes no longer feel the same and campus has that jaded, nostalgic feel about it already.

CQW: Have you been invited to the Endgame party? That's the one where each girl gets one invite and blokes can only turn up if they're invited. And the whole thing's anonymous for an extra touch of mystery. And no. I have not. Yet.

Work avoidance

OK. OK. So maybe the abyss is a bit deeper than I thought, but still. It does have a bottom.

I'm having trouble working. Everything in my life seems to have saturated and reached the point where only a jarring change can get things back on track. The thought of reading another case makes my stomach churn. My ability to focus for an hour and a half in class is next to minimal. Text messages, doodles or plain simply staring outside is the weapon of work avoidance there.

In my spare time, I've got to prepare for another VC interview. You have no idea how much work this entails, and I won't start going into it here. But it does. Buckets and bucketloads of what must be as close to perfection as you can get it otherwise there is no point even trying. I'm really questioning my stamina to get me through this. Today was devoted to VC preparation. In between stopping for biccies, staring from the window, going for walks and Facebook I've maybe spent a couple of hours on it. This is stressful. You have the abyss on one side and an inability to focus on the other. Make it stop. Please.

CQW: Have you got a job yet?